Pouring and Poring...

My Dad emailed me to tell me I had made a spelling mistake in my last blog post. Good to know - I have corrected it! Nice that he's reading along. I'd written I was 'pouring over Pinterest' when in fact it should have been 'poring'. This word is apt right now; meaning to read or study carefully or attentively. I am reading and studying everything carefully and attentively, to the extent that I am feeling ever so slightly tired. I would like to tip my brain upside down and sieve it out. It's one thing to notice the details, but it's quite another to obsess over them.

...walks along the canal with Boo...

...this year's crop; sweetcorn...

...wild rose on our shed...

...lavender...

...picket fence...

I wrote about how the year had passed and how I could compare and contrast then with now. But as you know, with too much analysis comes a certain kind of madness!

What I do know is that I have learned a lot about myself - some of it I suspected, some of it surprising. I didn't realise for example, that in some areas I really lack confidence. I didn't realise that there is a perverse part of me that will assert what I like, even if it alienates me. I didn't realise that what really matters is not what happens, but how you react to it.

It's all somewhat new territory ahead and that is enormously exciting and strangely - for a change-a-phobe like me - not that scary. I guess if you prepare enough, change, when it finally comes can be welcomed on your terms. I feel like I am finally on my terms - ditching the job and devoting myself to my home and family. I think a lot about integrity and what is right in life. I have reached the conclusion that although I long to be slick and rich and envied - what is actually more 'me' is to be charming and to have heart in what I do and how I come across to others. The same applies to L'Apothecary, no matter how much I could engineer it, at its heart it is pure and simple.

...perpetual longing for a lie in...

...bedroom window view...

For a really long time I have had pain in my teeth and my jaw - and for a really long time I have searched for solutions to it. It has recurred with alarming regularity; always waiting in the wings. I have read that fellow pain sufferers have come to regard their pain as a friend;  they have known it well and expected it when it arrived. They have studied it carefully and attentively. I wonder if this is the best approach, although I understand the impetus to pore over pain, as if to understand it, is to, in some small way, face it and own it. Right now - splat bang in the middle of a recurrence (and why? no obvious trigger? so frustrating...) I wish I didn't know the pain, I wish it was a distant memory. Maybe one day it will be...

Meanwhile the beautiful summer weather continues as some sort of meteorological blessing that every day I want to acknowledge and be thankful for. I keep saying to my children 'this is the sort of English summer I remember as a child; a proper summer holiday!' as if to reassert that all of my stories of paddling in rivers and walking in hayfields on endless, sun-soaked days in the 1980's were not complete fabrication! I spend my last few weeks of work in a slightly half-baked fashion (don't tell my boss) as I wait for my new life to start.

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Pouring and Poring...

Reviewed by axiata
Published : 2013-07-09T11:26:00-07:00
Rating : 4.5