After all of the 'isn't life wonderful?' sentiment of recent weeks, I wouldn't be me unless some little doubts crept in. I recognise this from the last time I stepped off the merry-go-round; after two months (almost on the dot) the dust settles and I start noticing - what's it all about, anyway?
I have never really processed the move from having young children to having older children. I attribute this to the vapour-like way in which the passing of time occurs. It tricks you day by day suggesting stuff seems kinda the same, but actually there is that moment of focus (vapour clears?) and you see just how much things have moved on. In essence I like this movement; having young children was hard and this - well this age (8 & 12) - is a pleasure. But equally I see that a shift has happened to our family and we find ourselves older and more set in our ways. I have looked at so many old photos lately (decluttering!) and have seen how much we collectively, have changed in the past ten years. I have sifted through the remnants of our family life and found it heart-swelling and triumphant at the same time. We made it! We did it! And it's no way near over yet!
A very good thing about approaching the age of forty is a sense of knowing. All those unanswered questions of my youth are now known. Will I marry? Will I become a mother? Will I have a career? Who will be my best friend when I am 40? Will I still love shopping?!!
I do wonder whether the waters of me don't run that deep, if I judge myself on the amount of time I spent thinking about clothes and shoes. It is indeed an affliction. A good friend told me that I needed to STOP buying stuff. I did contemplate this for some time and still do. You see the irony is that I am in the middle of this enormous house purge, literally filling a room with items that are destined for recycling or to be thrown away. I really struggle with the waste and wonder how over the years we can have accumulated so much and now find that it is not needed or has become old. What does this say for my past shopping habits? Or should I just view it as a thing that comes with the passage of time? Nothing stays new and fresh forever.
I am amazed how the days are just merging now, from start to end, I am in such a pattern of activity that I wonder if someone hit the 'accelerate' button. Can the end of October be in sight already? My morning cup of earl grey tea seems to morph into an evening glass of Savignon and in between a whirl of activity. It's a little life - what difference am I really making to the grand scheme of things? All I know is: my cupboards are a lot tidier than they used to be - ha ha.
But - in summary, it's all good; life is good. This week is half term and has consisted of lovely lazy days with my son (my daughter breaks up tomorrow), walking the pup, running errands but with a little helper in tow. Suddenly my eight year old is full of wisdom and cleverness and I find myself doing those cartoon-esque double-takes when he blurts out some pearl of wisdom that I never knew he knew. It's funny isn't it how eventually your kids start to know things that you haven't taught them and you stand back in awe thinking: my job is done. Well, not quite, but you get what I am saying.
And in amongst all of this navel gazing, I just had to buy some high tops that have leopard toe caps and make me think of Olivia Palermo. See?! Even in my little life there is room still room for accumulation.
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