Forwards not backwards...

Oh so much time to think - for me a blessing and a curse! I can almost watch my thoughts march in and out of my addled brain; I sometimes wish I was a more vacant soul. But the actual substance of my thoughts ranges from the deep to the downright shallow.

I see my lovely sister in law Natasha, who is about to have her second baby any day now. I feel a sense of awe for her; she has this mountain to climb whilst I carry on about my day; driving, walking the pup, cooking the meals, deciding what to wear. The enormity of parenthood in all its spectrum of amazing colours (light and dark for me) is about to arrive again for her. And then to my little brood - who are so grown up now, but of course not as grown up as they will be in a few years. I can glimpse the prospect of my son, now aged eight, becoming a rugby-playing teenager who will be taller and stronger than me.

via once wed

As an aside; regarding what to wear each day, I am definitely going through some 'anti-40' thing where instead of opting for the pared-down and the appropriate, I instead find myself pondering what I can get away with from a sartorial perspective. I don't want to adhere to the standard expectation of what women should look like at my age, yet at the same time I don't want to be 'mutton dressed as lamb'. The perennial problem, right? I want to find a half-way-house of cool but appropriate. Is this so hard? On the school run I see women who have achieved this; those who either have built-in elegance at any age or who have the means to secure the perfect 'look'. Me? I still covet clothes and shoes as much as I ever did, but now it's become a hobby (obsession?) to find just the right item. This explains the interest in high tops, the leather jacket lust, leopard-love, the over-indulgence on preppy shirts. See? I said shallow depths...

And the deep thoughts? Well they come in the form of amazement at where the time is going. Days now merge into each other, weeks flash by and I feel like I am in the middle of a lifestyle that can be satisfying and exhausting all at once. I am acutely aware that when my children are grown, this will all fall away; their need for me. The busy-ness that comes with parenting. The mental burden of taking on every one of their problems; big and small. My keenness to be there for every step of the way, in the knowledge that for many of the years I worked, I wasn't quite 'in the room', like I am now. I see that this is how it goes - what is that quote - life is what happens when you're busy making other plans?! There are a gazillion choices every day on the kind of parent you want to be. This contrasts completely with the early years where you are simply bombarded with caring for your children 24 hours a day. I really don't miss those sleepless nights! I am still grateful when I climb into bed that I will, unless there is an emergency, get a good nights sleep!

At least once a day I think: what's it all about?! I've come to the conclusion there is no answer, we all just mooch along, some living a big life, some living a small one. I know all these musings are because deep down I feel I swapped for a smaller life and this is me coming to terms with that. And so...blah blah blah...I leave you with this:

via it's the little things that count

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Forwards not backwards...

Reviewed by axiata
Published : 2013-11-19T02:32:00-08:00
Rating : 4.5