It turns out that after being a parent for twelve and a half years, what I have learnt has not prepared me for this phase. I have talked before about how parenthood has phases and as soon as you recognise that fact, you're half way to relaxing into the mother role. Whether it's sleepless nights or unwillingness to eat vegetables to the more weighty topics of academics or being 'in' or 'out' with friends. The last few weeks there has been an undercurrent; a steady flow of changes when it has come to my daughter and I am at a loss as to how to respond. She is a cool kid; no doubt. She has my deep-thinking, analytical capacity, but spookily it's shared from a genetic perspective with my husband's unfailing confidence and front. The result: a force to be reckoned with. And quite crucially and unlike me - she says she doesn't care what people think of her. On the one hand I applaud her gumption, on the other I fear for her being publicly berated.
Conversations in our house this week have led to sharply raised eyebrows and intakes of breath (me), to frustrated tears (her), to the delivery of parental ultimatums (him). I am curious of my own reactions and I feel unsure of my footing with this new pre-teen version of my daughter. Before me I have beautiful, confident, clever young girl who is making a few interesting (reckless?) choices and my instinct is to intervene. That instinct is so strong that it makes my heart ache. But I realise I can't stop this. I can't hold her back, I can't prescribe my version of how things should be.
Despite being a mere 26 years old when I had her, putting an abrupt end to my glittering post-graduate career (hah!) I now feel like an old head atop weary shoulders. When did I become the moralistic one? And where does one draw the line? I am her friend, but I am also her parent and I think the latter must always win out. It's hard in a way that I wasn't expecting.
And the irony is - I find myself thinking gratefully that I am not working now and I can devote myself to stepping along these treacherous paths, but then I think maybe it's the other way round. Maybe these paths are treacherous because I am not working and have the time to get so involved?! Would I be better off not knowing? I also wonder quite how far I can go in the vortex of day to day parenting; isn't I time they weaned off me?!
So all in all a challenging time. And there I was worrying about my hairstyle! Life has a way of reminding you what matters at opportune times. Deep breath - tomorrow is another day, maybe she's right and I need to chill out; it wouldn't be the first time that has been the case!
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